Archive for the 'smut' Category

It Looks Like a Flashlight…

Friday December 29, 2006

Lovely, highly-targeted email I’ve just received:

Subject: No girlfriend?

Hmmm, I wonder what this is about. Reads on…

What is it?

I like an email that gets straight to the point.

It’s a product called the Vagina Fleshlight and it recreates the texture of a young woman’s vagina.

But, wait, that’s not all…

And, with proper lubrication, it feels like the real thing.

Huh. Proper lubrication I can do. Is there anything else I should know about the Vagina Fleshlight?

Comes in five shades (Pink, Mocha, Chocolate, Lavendar and Ice)

Nice touches. These guys know where they’re on about I think. Slightly worried about an ‘Ice’ coloured vagina, but anyway….But is this really for me?

Dude, this is for you

OK, that’s answered that. But, tell me, how do I use it?

How do you use it you might ask?

Yep

First, place the gel insert (the “vagina”) in hot water, until it becomes warm. Next place the Vagina Fleshlight into the canister and lubricate your penis, as well as the entry and canal of the product. Finally, penetrate the toy as you would a woman.

OK, all seems doable. But how hygienic is it? How, for example, do I clean it?

For cleanup, simply take the gel insert out of its plastic case and run hot water through to remove your semen. Disinfect it with alcohol. Towel or air-dry it and place it back into the canister. Re-powder it with cornstarch in order to restore its silky feel.

Well, there’s no doubt these guys have covered every angle here. It sounds a preeeeeeety sexy product.

How sexy is it?

Yep

6/10

It looks like a flashlight, but feels like a vagina. No one ever has to know what it is.

Until there’s a power cut. Here’s a pic.

Are A-Level Students Getting Easier?

Friday August 18, 2006

That’s the big debate in the British newspapers this morning (at least I think so but I may have got the wrong end of the stick). I can testify from personal, bitter experience that this ISN’T the case.

I’m back after a fantastic, fabulous and fucking exhausting (note, dear reader, the alliteration) two weeks away, 3 days in Spain, 10 days in Cartagena, Colombia. I didn’t blog about it because I’m all too aware of your lack of patience with ‘On beach, having fab time’ blogs.

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Tuesday July 25, 2006

There are two conversations that feel like they constantly recur in my life (conversations with other people of course, not just in my head), yet I never seem to lose interest in them. They are: a) The woes of the English national football team, and b) The best looking women in the world.

I was chatting with a friend about the second on messenger only today. Trying to get me off the topic of Brazilian women, he suggested African women:

Africans got it all in the right places, willing to please and look beautiful carrying water or killing a chicken

Got me sold.